How to Overcome Social Anxiety

3 Secret Methods to Rid Yourself of Social Anxiety and Become Confident

Before The Preparation (and through at least 7 months of it) I had terrible social anxiety. I would get nervous anytime I met someone new or entered into an unfamiliar situation.

Well, everyone might get a bit nervous in a new situation, but what came over me in those situations was complete fear.

I did anything I could to avoid doing something I should do or interacting with people. And, I always had an excuse to justify that decision to hide from it.

On several occasions, when people came over to the house, I stayed in my room  to avoid them. Not out of any dislike of the person but, once again, out of pure fear.

A few months into the program I made up my mind to start taking BJJ classes.

The encouragement of my father helped push me to actually do it. I immediately came up with a few alibis in my mind to convince myself not to go.

Yet, upon examining the reasons I came up with, I saw that they held no weight (the same thing happened before I started EMT school).

Pushing past the first layer of fear, I took the first free class that was offered by the BJJ gym. Nervous, I walked through the doors, was greeted by a kind woman at the front desk, and told to go to a secluded room in the gym to meet my instructor for the day.

A small setting with one instructor and one other student? Unpleasant, but not terrible for my social anxiety.

My first official class with the gym was much more anxiety-inducing. I arrived 15 minutes early and sat in my car.

My heart was beating hard enough that you could hear it if you were in the passenger seat next to me. Before I even started the hour’s worth of grappling, I started to sweat. My hands and feet turned cold, my vision went blurry, and my coordination was off. I had to put my full focus into grabbing the door handle, pulling the door open, and walking into the place.

I was that anxious.

I did learn new and good skills in the class, but I let anxiety creep in and stop me from learning more and trying as hard as I could. Many of my thoughts were focused on all the imaginary criticism I might receive from looking like a fool.

I dealt with social anxiety for years, but now, because I wanted to truly improve myself, I was facing it head-on.

Most of my social anxiety is gone now. It took many months to get over it, but I can tell you one thing for certain: The effort in ridding myself of anxiety has literally changed my life. I’ve learned a lot from it too.

Any young man who goes through The Preparation will face many difficulties just as I have. Social anxiety may imprison you in the way it once imprisoned myself. 

Well, I’ve thought of a few methods that, if used in conjunction with one another, can free you from persistent anxiety…

Eagle’s Eye View

You’ve probably seen an old video of San Francisco or New York in the early 20th century. Cars, trolleys, horses, and people–hundreds of them–all passing one another in the street.

All of the emotions of the people and problems of the time are not taken into account. The scene is pleasant as you watch people go about their business so long ago.

I take these historical videos and play them in my mind any time I begin to feel anxiety poke its ugly head around the corner. They’re a clear reminder of the passage of time, that all that is will soon be gone. And, that every emotion, potent or airy, shall soon disappear.

This is not meant to be a nihilistic view of the world but a practical one. It’s simply the truth. The nihilist person will use this method for the sake of self-pity.

The man who seeks greatness will use this method to set himself free from the thoughts of others and, more importantly, from his own negative emotions.

The eagle’s eye view gets you to step back from the world and measure it with reason. Instead of getting caught up in emotions, you begin to observe them, toss out the negative ones (fear, jealousy, hatred, anger…), and replace them with positive emotions (love, faith, compassion, courage…).

Actually, the economic term of low time preference applies here as well. The objective is, in certain moments, to view the bigger picture. Once we do that we can act in a way that serves others, and our future self.

So, when you feel anxiety creep in, take a step back. Play the old-timey video of 1920s New York in your mind.

Understand the passage of time and how emotions come and go like the wind. Step outside yourself. Feel the pleasantness in the moment.

But, there’s another component to this method that I must mention…

Harmony

Marcus Aurelius said that we, as humans, are all made for one another. I rejected this idea for a brief period of time. Not wanting to view myself as the same as other humans, or obligated to them in any way, I ignored those parts of Meditations. Yet, I’ve come to realize that it is true.

I specifically remember Marcus Aurelius calling other people his “brothers and sisters” in one translation Meditations. I began to do the same.

As I’d walk down the street, I’d see a man and in my mind I’d say, “he is my brother”. As I passed a woman on the sidewalk I’d say, “she’s my sister”. Suddenly, with that simple comment, all of my anxiety fell away. Along with that, any criticism I had of the person turned to dust.

What is there to be anxious about when I walk among my brothers and sisters? And why would I want to criticize them?

Most of the greatest methods for ridding social anxiety involve stepping outside yourself. What most people fail to properly describe in terms of removing social anxiety is the use, or lack of use, of other people’s thoughts and potential criticisms.

Many of the influential figures of our time, especially those who act as motivational speakers, will say things like, “Screw what other people think. It doesn’t matter.” Is this true…yes, but this way of thinking about it puts you in opposition with other people. It assumes their thoughts, especially of you, are negative.

The last thing you want to do when killing off anxiety is to assume the thoughts of others.

Of course, your mind is only going to think that other people are criticizing you. The “screw them” mentality assumes that to be true and actually gives you justification for your anxiety, leading you further into it and away from good, free, and useful action.

Marcus Aurelius spoke of this as well…Never assume the thoughts of others.

Whenever you are out in the open world or engaged in a specific activity, always remind yourself, “I will not assume their thoughts” when you start to believe that someone may be criticizing you.

The fact is it doesn’t matter what people think, but never assume the worst from other people. Do not degrade yourself by placing false criticism in the mind of another  because that also degrades them in your own mind. 

Don’t view other people as your opponent or enemy. Never assume the worst from others. It makes it impossible to destroy social anxiety and advance toward action.

Instead, take the eagle’s eye view, separate yourself from negative emotions, seek harmony with yourself and others.

Lean Into It

The last two methods are meant for use in the open world. This method is for engaging in direct action with a person or event. Several pieces encompass this method. 

What does anxiety draw us to?

Inaction.

Anxiety wants you to sit still, to hide from everything that draws it out. It steals opportunity from us by making us feel small, unworthy, insignificant. It throws us in our cell, but it always slides the key under the door. We can get out, but we will come face-to-face with the thing.

It’s only through action that we realize anxiety is a misty, harmless figure and, oftentimes, an indication of the right path to take.

It’s taken many months of hard work to get to the point I’m at. Now, could I make a presentation in front of a crowd of people?

No. At least not without running out of breath, stumbling over my words, and sweating like crazy. Getting comfortable with something like that will come with time.

My social anxiety is largely gone due to the fact that I’ve been leaning into countless uncomfortable situations. EMT school, BJJ classes, and being apprenticed to an Uruguayan gaucho to name a few.

You’ve first got to step into uncomfortability and then you have to hold yourself there. Soon it won’t seem all that bad, but that’s when you’ve got to take the next step and do it all over again.

When you go to any class or course to learn a new skill you have to force yourself to speak to the instructors and other people in the class. In fact, anytime you have the opportunity to talk to someone…take it.

In the elevator, at a restaurant, on the street.

Ask people how they’re doing or just say hi. Make conversation. I can tell you from personal experience that this reduces anxiety. Anytime I even have the thought of saying something to someone I force myself to do it right away.

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw a nurse walking home from a hospital near my house. I was about to take a ride-along with an ambulance service and I had a question that I thought he might be able to answer. We crossed the street at the same time and I took the opportunity to ask him. He didn’t have the answer to my question, but I took immediate action, overcame anxiety, and took up an opportunity to be kind to a stranger. 

It’s self-induced exposure therapy. Yet, this time it’s much more effective. Let me explain…

As you go through your version of The Preparation, you (in order to gain skills) will put yourself in places to learn valuable skills. Yes, you’ll force yourself to look social anxiety dead in the eye, but more importantly, you’ll be gaining competency…one of the greatest antidotes to anxiety.

Competency = Confidence

Build skills and confront uncomfortability. The war on anxiety needs to be fought on multiple fronts. With persistence, you’ll win.

When doing something important like learning a skill or interacting with a person, you need to set your mind on being completely and utterly present and engaged.This is when you shift your perspective from the eagle’s eye view to that of a person whose full attention is on whatever they are engaged in.

What has worked best for me is trying to never let my mind wander. Practice this when learning a skill and you’ll quickly advance. Practice this with people and anxiety will fall to the background, relationships will be more likely to grow.

I’ll always remember the words tattooed on my father’s arm, “Lean into it”. Let those words echo in your mind whenever you’re doing something that will improve or benefit yourself or another person.

In some cases you want to step outside yourself to see the bigger picture. In others you want to be fully engaged with whatever is at hand. The proper timing of these shifts in perspective can only be learned through continuous effort.

Build skills to become competent. Rid yourself of the fear of looking like a fool (by looking like a fool over and over again). Seek harmony with others and yourself. Never assume the worst of other people. That is the method to overcoming anxiety.

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I am being used as a guinea pig for a program which is meant to prepare young men for the future. This program is designed to be a replacement for the only three routes advertised to young men today -  go to college, the military, or a dead-end job. 

All of these typical routes of life are designed to shape us into cogs for a wheel that doesn’t serve us.  Wasted time, debt, lack of skills, and a soul crushing job define many who follow the traditional route.  

This program, which we can call “The Preparation”, is meant to guide young men on a path where they properly utilize their time to gain skills, build relationships, and reach a state of being truly educated. The Preparation is meant to set young men up for success.

What appeals to me about The Preparation is the idea of the type of man I could be. The path to becoming a skilled, dangerous, and competent man is much more clear now. I’ve always been impressed by characters like The Count of Monte Cristo, men who accumulated knowledge and skills over a long period of time and eventually became incredibly capable men. 

Young men today do not have a guiding light. We have few mentors and no one to emulate. We have been told that there are only a few paths to success in this world. For intelligent and ambitious people - college is sold to us as the one true path.  And yet that path seems completely uncertain today. 

We desperately need something real to grab onto. I think this is it.

I’m putting the ideas into action. Will it work? I can’t be sure, but I’m doing my best.  I’m more than 30 weeks into the program at this point. So far, so good.

You can follow me along as I follow the program.  Each week, I summarize all that I did.

My objective in sharing this is three fold:

1. Documenting my progress holds me accountable.

2. I hope these updates will show other young men that there is another path we can take.

3. For the parents who stumble upon this log, I want to prove to you that telling your children that the conventional path - college, debt, and a job is not the foolproof path you think it is.